Forget Paris (1995)

Forget Paris is the story that tells us what really happens after a “Happily Ever After”. Mickey and Ellen who met in the most unusual of situations and fell in love on the streets of Paris, suddenly find themselves faced with the reality of life and the reality of each other once the honeymoon phase of their relationship is over. We as the audience can truly appreciate the honesty and the raw truth that is involved in loving someone, so intelligently portrayed in the hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking events that take place in Mickey and Ellen’s lives and leaving us to question, “Will they find their happily ever after once again?”

The "We" and "I" in a Relationship

One of the components of intimacy is mutuality in which intimate partners think of themselves as a couple instead of two separate human beings and the key to such relationship is when both partners provide mutual love, trust, support, and benefit; they also start referring to themselves as “we” instead of “I”. This mutuality or connectedness is one of the means to establish an increasingly mature and mutually rewarding interpersonal relationship, in which both partners are able to provide a safe and supportive anchor for each other, to be attentive to their partner and their needs, and to demonstrate empathy and responsiveness (Snir & Wiseman, 2013).

That being said, maintaining one’s own individuality while being in a relationship is often disregarded for the sake of placing priority on the relationship as a couple. However, Snir and Wiseman (2013) postulated that achieving individuality allows one to participate in a mature couple relationship without feeling that one's boundaries or even existence as a separate human being are being threatened, and does not have an unhealthy dependency towards one’s partner. At the same time, the individual is able to maintain a sense of autonomy and continue to experience self-growth and development.

Ellen was too dependent and Mickey was too independent?

“When he travels, not only am I lonely but I don’t know who I am by myself.....  If I took time, before or between, to find out who I really am by myself, who I can be without any guy around... I know I’m in there somewhere. I can hear myself screaming from a distance.” (Ellen Gordon)

Kudos to Ellen for leaving her marriage, her job, her home in Paris... basically her whole life in pursuit of her love for Mickey, but was it really the wisest thing to do? While her sacrifice is commendable, I feel that she had also given up her own identity. Pretty quickly, we see how lost and miserable Ellen was and although understandable with her being in a new environment, we should note how happy and whole she feels when Mickey returns. Personally, while it is good for a couple to be dependent on each other, I feel that it is not as healthy when they are not independent individually.

As Ellen herself even briefly considered if she married Mickey out of a rebound, it is something that was very likely to have happened. She even said, “When my first husband left me, I felt so lost... He (Mickey) was what I needed to get through that” making us believe that she may have jumped into the relationship with Mickey thinking that he could fill the void for her and complete her. With his continuous absence, Ellen finds that being in a relationship with Mickey was not enough to make her feel happy and satisfied with her life.

“I love being a referee. It’s a big part of who I am and I’m starting to miss me..... It’s important to us. I want to love you and not resent you.” (Mickey Gordon)

In the case of Mickey, he struggles to give Ellen the life that she wants especially when it came at the expense of his own happiness. She wants him to be around as she tells him, “I did not leave France to be alone.” and so listening to her doubts and fears, he gives up his own home, job and lifestyle to bring her happiness and he even accommodates to let her sick father to live with them.

However, he soon realizes that he is unhappy and it makes him more irritable and moody, even to the point of crying when the toothpaste ran out. He told his friend Jack that, “I’m not used to someone else having an opinion about my life” and after taking his friend’s advice, he returns to his old job as a referee for the National Basketball Association. For a while, things start to improve for Mickey and Ellen once they learned to compromise to each other’s needs and for a brief period of time, we even see them working together towards the same goal, which was to have a baby. Unfortunately, they could not conceive a child, and once again losing a shared goal and interest, they reverted back to being separate individuals in a relationship.

Towards the end, Ellen finally finds her own independence and perceiving the relationship as not rewarding anymore, or as something that she needed to depend on, Ellen decides to go back to Paris to live her own life. Ellen moves to Paris and Mickey continues on with his job, but neither finding satisfaction in this new arrangement, they get back together again because despite their individual differences and goals, they still loved and cared for each other.  

In conclusion...

There should be a balance in satisfying the needs of the relationship and needs of the individual. Every relationship calls for compromises and changes. That being said, compromises should be equal on both sides, and if it is considered too much or unfair, it is alright to say "no" and stand your ground, followed by further communications of how to make the relationship work for both individuals. 

Brown, N. M., & Amatea, E. S. (2013). Love and intimate relationships: Journeys of the heart. Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis Group.

Snir, S., & Wiseman, H. (2013). Relationship patterns of connectedness and individuality in couples as expressed in the couple joint drawing method. The Arts in Psychotherapy, 40501-508. doi:10.1016/j.aip.2013.07.005